New Thoughts and Feelings
HI! :)
My 5th chemotherapy treatment is done and over with!!!! The journey continues, but this week is a good week since the chemotherapy I received Monday is one of my “easier” treatments. It is so “easy” that I got to the hospital at 9:30, reclined in one of the “chemo recliners”, got poked and an IV put in (still hate that part with a passion), and then my chemotherapy push, talked with my wonderful nurse, and I was back home by noon. The biggest side effects I face from this round are numbness in my fingers and feeling tired. I took a long nap this afternoon. I am also not in the hospital tonight, like last cycle at this time. I praise the Lord for that. I assume my white blood cells are very low right now, but I must have enough to keep a fever away. That is something I pray for everyday, and so far God has given me the grace to stay home. I would appreciate your prayers of protection from illness and infection as I have a low white blood cell count, which is a serious danger to me. Actually that is something that you can remember in prayer as long as I am receiving chemotherapy. Illness is a constant threat to me.
As to be expected, my diagnosis of cancer came as a complete shock to me. It blew me out of the water and completely took control of my life for the time being. And I didn’t actually believe that I had cancer. It just didn’t seem possible. In my life, only in dreams do bad things happen, and then I wake up. But each morning I wake up, I always wake up in my bed and still don’t have hair. I still go to the hospital and I still have cancer. It is only this week that I have actually begun to accept that I really, I mean really, have cancer. My life from here on out is going to be affected by cancer in one way or another. That is reality. In a way, accepting this plight is freeing. I have come to the place where I am now looking for meaning in life in my current situation instead of expecting to find meaning as I have found meaning for almost the past 23 years. This is a new adventure, and I am still searching, as this is very new for me. But, my once melancholy sit upon the couch is now beginning to change as I am searching for the joy that lies within cancer; the joy that lies within cancer, such a strange thought. As I discover the joys, I will share them with you. Today I experienced two. One was to be alive and able to talk with friends. I love friends. The second was being able to come before God with my arms open wide and fully dependent upon Him. Before this, I have never completely allowed myself to be fully, and I mean fully dependent on God. It is a wonderful feeling. I am sure that as each day goes by, I will continue to learn how to find the joys of having cancer.
Prayer request: That my body is able to make enough white blood cells to protect itself against bacteria, infection, and illness.
May the peace of God be with us all,
Nathan
My 5th chemotherapy treatment is done and over with!!!! The journey continues, but this week is a good week since the chemotherapy I received Monday is one of my “easier” treatments. It is so “easy” that I got to the hospital at 9:30, reclined in one of the “chemo recliners”, got poked and an IV put in (still hate that part with a passion), and then my chemotherapy push, talked with my wonderful nurse, and I was back home by noon. The biggest side effects I face from this round are numbness in my fingers and feeling tired. I took a long nap this afternoon. I am also not in the hospital tonight, like last cycle at this time. I praise the Lord for that. I assume my white blood cells are very low right now, but I must have enough to keep a fever away. That is something I pray for everyday, and so far God has given me the grace to stay home. I would appreciate your prayers of protection from illness and infection as I have a low white blood cell count, which is a serious danger to me. Actually that is something that you can remember in prayer as long as I am receiving chemotherapy. Illness is a constant threat to me.
As to be expected, my diagnosis of cancer came as a complete shock to me. It blew me out of the water and completely took control of my life for the time being. And I didn’t actually believe that I had cancer. It just didn’t seem possible. In my life, only in dreams do bad things happen, and then I wake up. But each morning I wake up, I always wake up in my bed and still don’t have hair. I still go to the hospital and I still have cancer. It is only this week that I have actually begun to accept that I really, I mean really, have cancer. My life from here on out is going to be affected by cancer in one way or another. That is reality. In a way, accepting this plight is freeing. I have come to the place where I am now looking for meaning in life in my current situation instead of expecting to find meaning as I have found meaning for almost the past 23 years. This is a new adventure, and I am still searching, as this is very new for me. But, my once melancholy sit upon the couch is now beginning to change as I am searching for the joy that lies within cancer; the joy that lies within cancer, such a strange thought. As I discover the joys, I will share them with you. Today I experienced two. One was to be alive and able to talk with friends. I love friends. The second was being able to come before God with my arms open wide and fully dependent upon Him. Before this, I have never completely allowed myself to be fully, and I mean fully dependent on God. It is a wonderful feeling. I am sure that as each day goes by, I will continue to learn how to find the joys of having cancer.
Prayer request: That my body is able to make enough white blood cells to protect itself against bacteria, infection, and illness.
May the peace of God be with us all,
Nathan
posted by Nathan's Blog... at 9:47 AM
10 Comments:
Nathan I am so very glad that you have been able to go home through out your treatment. Thanks for the prayer ideas, as this really has helped me understand what to pray for. Praise God he has given you the strength to come to terms with your Cancer. I know it's a prosess every day to really trust Jesus Christ in all that you are. I Don't understand why this Cancer is in you, but I believe that the life of faith has always been contrary to the logic of the world. I don't think God requires me or anyone to fully understand all the in's and out's of our life; He only wants us to have confidence in Him, the Lord knows the plan. Just as it reads in Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." And so, as I continue to pray for you I have also learned to have faith in His understandings and I am sure God is and will continue to take care of you!
God Bless,
Alfridie
Nathan,
It is truly a privilege and an honor to "listen" to you as you share your thoughts on this blog. What a blessing!!! Thank you!!!
During my prayer time for you this morning I came upon an article in our Catholic newspaper by Ron Rolheiser about Jesus' experience in the Garden of Gethsemane...it was the symbol of water that was so powerful for me again in praying for your healing. Rolheiser uses the image of a filter purifying water saying "Jesus took away our sins in the same way as a filter purifies water. A filter takes in impure water, holds the impurities inside of itself, and gives back only the pure water. It tranfoms rather than transmits. We see this in Jesus: Like the ultimate cleansing filter, he purifies life itself......And in doing this, Jesus doesn't want admirers, but followers...." I see this happening with your cancer, Nathan. Jesus taking in your cancer and all of the emotions that go with it, holding it, tansforming you both physically and spiritually (and all of us who are praying for you along this journey of your life) and only giving back a healthy body free of cancer cells and a deeper understanding of Jesus' love!!
I continue to thank our Father for your healing, Nathan!!
love, jane
Nathan,
Keep giving God the glory...your faith is amazing! It helps to know what to pray for, and thank-you for sharing your real struggles. I have alot of respect for you! An encouragement from God I see you living out, and I want to remind you, "Then you will call upon me (God), and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you."
Nathan,
I don't know you although I know the rest of your family a little. You are a very courageous young man and the way you have given your life to the greatest physician of all time is a incredible testimony to everyone that reads your blog or meets you along this journey! God has a plan for you! Although we can't always see that in the midst of lifes challenges we have to believe and trust in him! Thank you for sharing your life with all of us it helps to hear what you really need! Blessings to you and the rest of your family!
Nathan,
Thank you for keeping everyone up to date on your treatment schedule, and letting us know what to pray for as you go through your battle with cancer. I am always amazed at your strength and positive outlook no matter what you are faced with. I pray that you have a wonderful holiday season, and also for strength and healing.
Steve Martin
Hi Nathan,
Thanks for the continued updates. Your contributions are an encouragement and minister to us of your faith and hope. I've been blessed reading all the comments and am amazed at the community of faith that surrounds you with love and care.
We missed your Dad at our Conference Minister's meetings in Dallas, but we understood that he was where he needed to be. We had a "healing service" where you and your family were prayed for, along with the needs of many of us in that group of about 50 Conference Ministers from Mennonite Church USA and Mennonite Church Canada.
I feel I don't have any "advice" for you, you seem rather to be teaching US about faith, hope and love on this difficult journey.
God bless you and keep you, and say "hi" to your parents for us.
Wayne and Mary Nitzsche
Wooster Ohio
Ohio Conference of Mennonite Church USA
Today i thought of you as i often do. you seem to always be on my mind. Many times the thought of you is follwed by tears and a feeling of being helpless, I constatnly search for something more i can do, and all i find is the reality that all i can offer are my constant prayers. this reality leads me to do just that. But today i just had to write. Today i laughed as i thought of you. I remembered all the fun times we have had. I remembered the first time i ever heard you yell, i think it was about shoes:) JIll and i still laugh about that. And none of us will forget that fretful day on the top of that mountain in colorado. I seem to remember that being another time we all huddled together in prayer. Looking back i always laugh at that story, although it wasn't funny then. Time away from hesston sent us all our seperate ways, but we have all managed to stay an important part of eachothers lives. Trips to ohio and iowa, chicago or indiana, prove that our friendships are just to important to let go of. so today when you read this just smile and think of all those countless hours at newells and doorm rooms and other times we all hung out just because.
Hi, Nathan, Mary Lou and I are thinking of you tonight here in Savannah, Georgia. It's my time for your prayer vigil only it's 12 midnight instead of 11 pm because of the time change. Thanks for your update; we're glad you are feeling some better. Finding joy in cancer seems like a challenge, but accepting reality is always hard to do, I think. It was good to see you in church last Sunday. Hope to see you next week.
Roger and Mary Lou
Hi Nathan,
I have been truly inspired by your comments on this site. I am amazed at your strength and your willingness to give this up, competely, to God.
So many times, when people grieve or go through tough times, they also go through a spiritual death. It's a natural reaction to something that seems so unfair and wrong.
When we lost Wyatt in 1996 I remember feeling angry at God and not wanting to reach out to God. I felt as if God had let me down because our prayers were not answered in the way we wanted them to be.
It was the Easter after he died and was sitting in my kitchen and I did not want to go to church because I was just angry and filled with too much grief to feel happy about the resurrection. I was being very selfish, I realize this now.
Just as I was sitting there I heard three loud thumps on the patio door window.
I went to look outside and realized that three birds had hit the window. One bird had flown off unharmed, one was dazed and looked like he was not feeling too well and the third bird was dead. I KNOW with all my heart that this was a sign sent to me from God....and maybe even from Wyatt himself.
I realized at that exact moment that these three scenarios were all those that could have happened to Wyatt. He could have lived and been healthy, he could have lived and been ill, or he could have died.
It was a kick in my behind to get on with my life and accept that bad things happen to good people and there is so much we have no control over, and while God does not plan for these things to happen he DOES plan to help us through with his loving, comforting arms.
I am so glad, that at your young age, you see this big picture so clearly. You are very mature and insightful. I understand what you mean about finding the joys of your illness. God is using you to reach out to others, to help them and at the same time it will help you.
I am praying for you and asking God to protect you from any sickness and that His healing hand will wipe away all the cancer. You have too many wonderful things left to do with your life.
Peace to you, Nathan!
Linda Soukup
Good evening, Nathan
I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know I am thinking of you tonight and that you continue to be in my prayers. May the love of Christ surround you and uphold you at all times. Love, Sharon
PS I realized last night after I posted my comment that I posted it on the wrong one so will try again. Take care.
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